My Father's Diary

My Father's Diary
by Sharon Olds

I get into bed with it, and spring
the scarab legs of its locks. Inside,
the stacked, shy wealth of his print—
he could not write in script, so the pages
are sturdy with the beamwork of printedness,
WENT TO LOOK AT A CAR, DAD
IN A GOOD MOOD AT DINNER, WENT
TO TRY OUT SOME NEW TENNIS RACQUETS,
LUNCH WITH MOM, life of ease—
except when he spun his father's DeSoto on the
ice, and a young tree whirled up to the
hood, throwing up her arms—until
LOIS. PLAYED TENNIS, WITH LOIS,
LUNCH WITH MOM AND LOIS, LOIS
LIKED THE CAR, DRIVING WITH LOIS,
LONG DRIVE WITH LOIS. And then,
LOIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! SHE IS SO
GOOD, SO SWEET, SO GENEROUS, I HAVE
NEVER, WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE
TO DESERVE SUCH A GIRL? Between the dark
legs of the capitals, moonlight, soft
tines of the printed letter gentled
apart, nectar drawn from serif, the
self of the grown boy pouring
out, the heart's charge, the fresh
man kneeling in pine-needle weave,
worshipping her. It was my father
good, it was my father grateful,
it was my father dead, who had left me
these small structures of his young brain—
he wanted me to know him, he wanted
someone to know him.

This poem stood out to me because the focus on the father-daughter relationship seemed refreshing to me. Olds creates an intense bonding experience between daugher and father by having the daughter read about her father in his diary. The fact that the father even has a diary is a unique twist--culture teaches us that moody teenage girls keep diaries full of their crushes, but the fact that the boy who becomes the girl's father keeps a diary subverts this stereotype. I particularly like how the jumpy nature of the boy's writing reflects the emotions of an adolescent boy--he moves quickly from one thing to the next. Though he no longer lives, the daughter is able to find meaning and inspiration in his words--she sees only the positive aspects of him in his diary, as well as his abounding love for Lois, whom we can presume to be her mother. The daughter now has a more concrete image of her father to hold on to, and she will always to some extent hold him as innocent and pure, as he still appears in his diary when he was younger. I think my favorite line describes his pages, which "are sturdy with the beamwork of printedness." She pictures her father and sees his concreteness and stability in his writing itself. In the end, the poem emphasizes the daughter's desire to connect with her father on a deep, emotional level. Reading her father's diary provides her with the intimacy she is unable to get. It's interesting that the "maleness" of his writing is what intrigues and enchants her--it is clear that she envisions her father as an indiviual who is unwaveringly "solid." I think it's also worth pondering whether or not a son would connect with his father in the same manner. What would he be attracted to in reading his father's diary? The speaker also seems to be particularly interested in the romance between her father and Lois, who is presumably her mother. As Reed pointed out, the language becomes suggestively sexual as the girl envisions the "nectar" drawn from between the "dark legs of the capitals," and the girl seems to read the sexuality into her father's "beamwork of printedness." She notes how her father worships Lois, and she admires this, calling her father "grateful" and "good." She connects herself to her father through her parents' relationship--seemingly able to identify with both her father and her mother.